This week won’t have a story about Joao’s exploits. This week will instead focus on the raw feelings that he is going through at this stage in his life. By now for those of you who follow Joao you know his story but I will recap for any newcomers. At 32 years young he is a fairly newcomer to Chocolate City. After exiting the US Army in 2020 he relocated to the nations captial to start his life anew. Upon moving he was thrust directly into a world that he didn’t know too much about while navigating a divorce. So we’ve seen the colorful way that he’s gone through his life in these past two years. Let’s talk instead about how he feels.
The bit of the story that is untold is that our main character has suppressed heartbreak his entire life. Story of our life right? Let’s unpack that though. Endurance Joao is the son of a Brazilian American mother (third gen) and an African American father. From a very early age he had to deal with the pressures of both sides. From the fairer skinned community he received hate for just being black. From the black community he received hate for associating with things that weren’t black like speaking Portuguese and Spanish. Naturally as a child he wanted to find solace with his family. That was not to be found and most of them were the main perpetrators. Questions like “Why you talk like that?”, “Oh you think you Puerto Rican, huh?”, “I don’t know why black folks always gotta say what they mixed with,” were some of the things he and his siblings heard at almost every family gathering. He endured. Moving a few years along his life Joao discovered what gay meant. He discovered that he associated himself with this. The uproar this caused in the family was immediate. Already a topic of heavy discussion among family members he now became a thing of shame and judgement. The older people would talk to his parents about him as if he were not there saying things like “You gotta get that devil up out him”. His own father physically fought him. Yes, when his son came to him, the person he trusted the most in the world, with this revelation his father put his hands on him. During those times suicide was considered. Many times. It’s a wonder that he made it through those times with only one scar as proof of said considerations. He endured. He went off and joined the military and for the first time in his life he felt what it was to be free. He felt what it was to really be himself albeit a repressed version of himself. By the time Love Won in 2015 he was already dating his now former husband. They met online in 2014 on a popular gat dating app, Scruff. Their chemistry was immediate and the two began messaging off the app via WhatsApp and having video calls as well. For the first year it was bliss. Maik made plans to move from Brazil, where he lived, to the United States on a student visa so that he could pursue his dream of living in the US and so that the two could officially meet and move their dates from the virtual world to the physical. Fate had other plans and in 2015, the same year that Maik would move to the US, Joao was off to the desert sands of Afghanistan. He endured. The emotional stress of this move saw the two stop talking for a few months but pick back up rather quickly. Upon his return from Afghanistan, Joao went back to Ft. Campbell, KY. The bad news was far from being over, He received orders to Germany. Another heavy blow to their relationship efforts. This one would prove fatal. Maik, distraught about moving to another country to try and be with him, informed Joao that the distance was too much. He couldn’t handle to be countries apart yet again. This was far from Joao’s first go round with heartbreak and disappointment but it marked the heaviest blow to date. That wound has never healed despite his travels. In 2017 he packed up and moved to Germany with the heaviest heart and what he didn’t know to be sturdy walls built around him. He waivered....yet endured. December 2017 the two lovers reconciled and decided to remain friends. Maik also informed Joao of a potential legal situation. Joao, being the ever helpful person he is, insisted that Maik allow him to help. The sentiment moved Maik and they began their relationship again in earnest and in February 2018 the two wed in holy matrimony. It was what he had wanted since he first laid eyes on Maik and for quite some time he thought the sentiment was reciprocated. Still living in Germany meant that Maik could not join him due to strict citizenship requirements. So he stayed stateside while Joao went back abroad but the two saw each other every other month. He endured with love. Months later it became clear that Joao was now a means to an end. The emotion they once shared years ago had flown the coop. This was business. Although the initial ending of communication between the two was the heaviest hurt, this one is likely the more important to the story. This realization completely shielded Joao. He became distant, withdrawn, and found it difficult to trust. The young man who approached love with bright eyes and optimism slowly faded from view to be replaced by someone who would do anything to avoid the pain he experienced again. He would keep himself at a distance and be a step ahead of the guys so that they couldn’t hurt him. He would not show them his heart because that pain was excruciating. Thus did endurance end and survival begin. Though everyone knew it was a business deal and that the divorce was a good thing for both parties, what they didn’t know is that pain that still traveled with Joao. Over the years his friends grew tired of hearing him speak about a hopeless situation, so he bottled it in. Concealed it behind a mask of men, clubs, booze, designer shoes, and way too much wine. What they saw was this man who refused to let anyone in. They all agreed that “Joao doesn’t show emotion” and would often provoke him just to get a rise out of him. He withdrew deeper and deeper into himself. The fires of survival consumed and from the ashes sprang life. To Joao’s family and friends I want to say your love to him is either to be conditional or don’t feign to have it for him at all. Love him through WHOMEVER he decides to be or love or whatever language he and his speak. Love him if he is in the kitchen cleaning greens or if he’s baking pao de quiejo. Love him when you see his partner is someone who isn’t ‘black’. Love him as he is: both BLACK and BRAZILIAN. If you can’t do that then you have no place in his life. As someone who cares for him I do NOT want to see him go through what he went through and is STILL going through because of you. He is DONE surviving. He lives now. He lives and I will be by him in a way that many of you never can and never will. He will no longer vie for your acceptance if after 32 years you haven’t given it. He’s done. He’s good on that. I will be there and I will carry him through the rest of this life alone if I have to. To love. Be gentle with him. Be patient with him. I am teaching him what he needs to know but this is decades of shielding and guarding we are working with here. He wants to love you. Believe me he does. We talk about it all the time. He’s terrified. He’s afraid. But he is willing. He is willing to show you that fear, that anger, those dreams, those doubts, that happiness, and that aspiration. He wants to show you that weird way he pushes his glasses up when he is writing and in the zone. He wants to dance bachata with you through the night and stay up late and drink wine and eat pizza and watch Lord of the Rings and Sex and the City for the umpteenth time. He wants to grow old with you and learn more of you everyday. Give him time to love you and he will love you the way no one in the world ever has. Through it all he will endure for you.
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AuthorFredric J Silva was born in small Columbus, GA. Early on in life he realized he had a knack for travel and literature. As an adult he decided to not just pursue them both but blend them together to create and share experiences with the world. You can find out more at www.pretinhosp.weebly.com Archives
May 2023
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