In the span of a few short months this fair District of Columbia had transformed me from borderline cynical gay to the gay who actually squeals at the good morning text.
It had been three months since Wade and I had started communicating. We hadn’t missed a day yet without talking and we typically saw each other at least once a week. Those days generally fell on Wednesdays as they were both of our telework days for the week. Though our conversations via phone and facetime were never lacking we generally used these Wednesday in person hangouts as soft sensing sessions while we indulged in some of our favorite things. One of those favorite things was the DC Universe. Wade had made it his personal pet project to introduce and educate me on two critical components of life; Pokemon Unite and HBOs animated DC Universe. Both are things I had rudimentary knowledge of coming into this relationship of course but as any great scholar knows, there is always more to learn. “Hey. How are you feeling about us?” came Wade’s voice from above me as I rested my head in his lap. I looked away from Black Canary reading Beast Boy his constitutional rights on the television to him. I sat up. “Well. I am enjoying this. Us. Where we are now. No fuss. It’s easy to be myself with you. To be honest with you,” I said after a while. He nodded and pulled on his nearly finished blunt before responding. “I have noticed that you are a lot more open and communicative now vs when we first met,” he said grinning. “Yeah? Well maybe there’s something about you that compels it from me,” I said leaning in for a kiss. “Mm. We love to see it,” he said with a smile after we pulled apart. “I’m only asking to make sure we are on the same page, you know?” he added. “And what page is that Mr. Thompson?” I asked. He took another pull and pondered a moment before responding. “Well things are going well don’t feel like I’m saying they aren’t. I’m enjoying these moments and our progress as well. I just want to keep open that communication. I like you. You know that. I just want you to know that if that ever changed that I would let you know and I ask that you do the same,” he said. I grinned. His matter-of-fact manner of having a discussion of emotion was such a Virgo thing to do. “And you know I would. Speaking of that let’s discuss the fact that we haven’t put any title on us-“ I started but elevated my tone after he raised both brows “-BECAUSE we said we didn’t want to commit. Still it needs to be said that we should discuss what that means. Since we have no bond of affection or attachment preventing us from doing so, are we free to talk to other people? If we do what does that look like? Boundaries type deal,” I said taking a sip of the way too strong drink that I had poured myself. “I understand. Well I will say that although you are the only person that I am interested in on this emotional level, I have been physical with other people since we started talking,” he said calmly. I gritted my teeth and took a slow deep breath. I had to force myself to repeat in my head that I was the one who asked the question. It seemed a little incredulous that he had the ability to want to be physical with anyone else. I was wholly engrossed in us. Mentally and physically. I couldn’t possibly think of committing time to anyone else while trying to give him my full attention. Still, I couldn’t persecute him for acting as a single man would seeing as that’s exactly what we both were. Well…what he was. Separated counts but not quite the same. “Okay. I get that. So what’re the rules here? Are we free physically but making an emotional boundary? If emotions start to rear their head we cut it off with that other person?” I asked scooting closer to him to attempt to let him know that I wasn’t angry about the news. He studied my face as if looking for the anger I was trying to show wasn’t there. After he seemed satisfied I wasn’t cross he answered. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me. We can do that,” he responded softly. “Okay cool. And the other people? I know I would feel more comfortable knowing about them. Not the details of your encounters or anything invasive. Just a ‘Hey. I’m going to spend time with xyz’. That’s enough for me,” I explained. His pause this time was a little longer. ‘I don’t need that if that’s what you’re asking. If you do then I will do so moving forward,” he provided. I sighed relieved he had understood where I was going. I recalled an earlier conversation we had in our relation where he stated that he did not like the feeling of being controlled. I didn’t want my request to come off that way as that wasn’t what I was aiming for. After this conversation we returned to our show and eventually headed to bed. The next day he made breakfast and we had the best side sex I had had in a very long time. Now for those of you who aren’t aware being considered a ‘side’ means that you are not explicitly top, bottom, OR verse because you prefer non-penetrative methods of sex. Think of it as enhanced foreplay. Lots of kissing, and touching, caressing, and exploring bodies without the need for traditional sex. It’s a rising category among the gay community that we both fell in which was a relief to us both. Usually one of the partners is compromising and it is clear as day the first time you get sexual with that person. They don’t enjoy it nearly as much and eventually leads to many sides (who aren’t selfish) to decide to leave that person’s life to allow them to find what they truly want sexually. This time was akin to the first time. The first time we had sex we knew without words what the other needed. His hands ran across every curve of my body with such care. He pushed and pulled where he was needed. Instinctively my body knew how to respond. We moved in synch, hearts racing a crescendo in harmony as our clothes melted away leaving only our frames skin to skin. Grabbing me gently by the throat me pushed me back onto his bed. Being shorter than me by a good 3 inches was no deterrent; we knew what we wanted. Once he climbed on top of me I immediately swung him over beneath me. Everything in me wanted him to feel the pleasure I could give. This is what made our sessions so great. Our pleasure was always the others enjoyment. After breakfast I returned home and had the rest of the week to think about the conversation we had just had. Wade was in Texas for the week for work so I had plenty of time with my thoughts. In this day and age many young couples were moving away from the typical 1-on-1 connection. Oftentimes this monogamous relationship is seen as a ‘Victorian’ or ‘dated’ method of courtship. The Gen X’ers were the last generation to side more heavily on monogamy. Numbers show that people who identify as millennials consider their ideal relationship to be polyamorous sitting at a 43/43% split with 14% being unsure. Gen Y’s numbers are even higher favoring non-monogamy. I was among those who didn’t shun the idea of polyamorous. The conversation did make me realize that though I didn’t shun it, I also had no idea how to handle a non-monogamous relationship. What are the rules? Who decides them? All my life the boundaries of relationship had been laid out in clear cut black and white examples. My parents had 28 years of blissful monogamy that they constantly reinforced in my siblings and I. Television did the same thing with its myriad of love shows. Even when the LGBT community started making a bigger footprint in the media we still conformed to this societal norm of one man and one woman (one top and one bottom). “Was I wrong to feel upset that he was talking to other people without me knowing?” I asked Felix a couple days during one of our FaceTime video calls over coffee. “I mean I don’t think so. You weren’t trying to be nasty,” he responded. “Right! Like I was just shocked that’s where his mind was. It just showed a difference in how we approach our relationship,” I explained. “Situationship sweetie. That man has told you he doesn’t want to commit but he wants now for you to only be emotionally involved with him. He wants his Kate and Edith too honey,” he said with rolling his eyes. “I didn’t mean romantic relationship. I mean it in the sense that two people who have dealings with one another have a relationship but I get your meaning. I will counter and say that he isn’t alone in not wanting commitment,” I said defensively. “Then why would it matter who he’s talking to other than you?” he quizzed. “That has more to do with my health than me wanting it to be only me!” I defended. “Then why not just get tested together?” he asked. “That would be a lot of testing Irmã. He had already had 4 other partners since we’ve been talking,” I countered trying to sound level. “Then so be it. I think you asking that question implies that you care more than I think you are willing to admit,” he said bluntly. I averted my gaze from the camera. “You can say I’m right. It’s ok mija,” he said smiling. “Cala a porra da boca viado!” I said irritated because he was. That Friday after the conversation I received a message from a guy that I consistently curbed because I was solely interested in Wade. I had just finished letting him know that I had just completed another semester of college and was about to run and grab some champagne to celebrate. He said he would be glad to bring some over and we could ‘celebrate together’. He wanted for the longest to give me a massage and I could think of no better time than now to enjoy it. Before I could say yes Wade text me from Texas. “Good morning handsome,” he typed. “Hey hey beautiful man. How are you?” I replied. ‘Good. About to get up and start my day. How are you?” he responded. “I’m good. About to celebrate the end of my semester with an associate,” I said. “Oh yeah? Congratulations! What are ya’ll about to get into?” he asked. “Oh well. He’s just coming over for champagne and a massage and we will likely get physical,” I text back. “I see…well enjoy! I gotta run to this meeting,” came his short response. I frowned. What was that response? That was last time I heard from him that weekend until he landed Sunday. When he did he messaged me straightaway and asked if he could come over. I of course agreed because I couldn’t wait to see him. “Hey!” I said giving him a hug. When I pulled away I wanted to go in for a kiss but saw that he wasn’t reciprocating. My stomach flipped. “Hey you! You wanna go for a walk with me?” he asked. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and sighed. “Uh. Sure,” I said instead stepping outside with him instead of holding the door open. He seemed very nervous about something and although my intuition already knew what it was I said a little prayer that it was wrong. We walked in silence for a few blocks as the car zoomed by us on Rhode Island Ave before we turned left to go down 3rd St NE. We talked about the trip and how great it was for him out in Texas before eventually coming around to the meat and potatoes of the conversation. “So, I called you out to walk with me because I wanted to talk about our conversation Friday,” he said quickly. “Okay. What about it?” I asked. “I feel like the comment you made about the guy coming over was a pointed comment,” he said avoiding looking at me. I gave him an incredulous look before turning away to bite my tongue. “I told you because we had just had the conversation about informing the other person Wade,” I said simply. “And I told you I didn’t need that. You know how I feel about control and this is too much. I’m not the type of person to be put in a box or ‘told’ what he can and can’t do,” he said looking at me this time. “And you think I was doing that?” I asked already exhausted from this conversation. “Listen I can’t speak for you but I know me. I know that is just not something that I can or will deal with. I feel like you are the same person as before; guarded on the defensive all the time. I can’t deal with that,” he replied. At this point my hands were shaking and I had to look away to avoid cussing him out. We walked in silence for a majority of the rest of the way back to my place. As we turned to walk the final stretch home I turned to him and hugged him. It was a half hug as my anger wanted to strangle him, but the adult in me decided on being civil. “Have a good one,” I said through gritted teeth. “You too,” he said meekly. I turned as my eyes started watering and walked away. I half hope-half expected he would call me back or run up to me and stop me. Neither happened. I made it home and collapsed just inside the door. There was a numbness in my body. I felt like nothing mattered right now. My phone buzzed as people called and text. I turned it off. My dog tried to nuzzle up to me as if she knew something was wrong. I waved her off, filled her food and water bowls and locked myself in my room away from her. I was angry to be sure. Furious that he could even dare turn this on me. Furious at myself for not telling him that I had been more open with him than I had been with any man in my life before him. If he wasn’t the one who wanted that he should have just said so. Instead I was the one to be saddled with the burden of getting over it. If I was the one who didn’t want it….If I was the person who was being ‘pointed’ why was I the one hurting?! You would think it would be the other way around. Why is it that when I put me neck out when I decide to open myself fully to another person when I make myself vulnerable is that not appreciated? I haven’t had many and I talk about those much less but I felt my heart break that summer day…
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AuthorFredric J Silva was born in small Columbus, GA. Early on in life he realized he had a knack for travel and literature. As an adult he decided to not just pursue them both but blend them together to create and share experiences with the world. You can find out more at www.pretinhosp.weebly.com Archives
May 2023
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